Why I hate Kansas

Apologies to Bob Dole and Dorothy, but I've about had it with Kansas. That Boulder-to-St. Louis drive has been wearing on me for a while, but now I think I'm done with it forever. Two words: Sharon Springs.

Yes, I was nearly a casualty of the severe windstorm that hit Kansas on Sunday. I really shouldn't complain, I guess. Evidently I just missed the tornadoes by an hour or two. And I only saw about three inches of snow myself. But the wind — shit. Gusts up to 70 mph are no fun while driving.

So no offense to the nice people of Sharon Springs who let me sleep in their high school cafeteria on their blankets and sleeping bag, or to the principal who wanted me to fill in for his own English teacher stranded elsewhere. But I don't think I'll be back any time soon. I've about had it with the whole damn state. Six hours of nothing but sunflowers, wheat, and a $2.00 toll? Really? It seems a lot nicer from 30,000 ft.

Kafka typing Hamlet

You know that saying? A thousand monkeys at a thousand typewriters could, given enough time, type Hamlet. Or three monkeys. Or all of Shakespeare. Or something. The Web proved incapable of explaining it clearly, but it really doesn't matter. The upshot is that I'll be one of those monkeys next year.

One of the student directors for this year's student-directed one acts had the bright idea to put on a play with an all-faculty cast. We're doing Words, Words, Words by David Ives. A short explanation, shamelessly stolen from somewhere:

The characters are three monkeys, the subjects of a psychologist's experiment, the object of which seems to be to reproduce Hamlet. Their names are Milton, Swift, and Kafka; Kafka ends up doing the job. Which is more implausible: that a monkey should type Hamlet or that Kafka should type Hamlet?

I will be playing Milton. I think I have to swing on a tire swing. I had a line about masturbation that has, for now, been edited out by the director — but I'll be trying to get it back in.

So if you wanna see me make a fool of myself, don't make plans for the evenings of Jan. 20 or 21. I think Michelle already has her ticket.

KM and the BS
My friend Kevin Mohl — musician, administrative assistant, and brother of Jeffrey D. — is on iTunes. Yes, THAT Kevin Mohl. And THAT iTunes. Pretty fucking cool. The Adventures of Kevin Mohl and the Burning Sensation is Kevin's band's first album. It's absolutely who you know.

The Fighting 2nd!
Stephen Colbert's Daily Show spin off, The Colbert Report, has been doing occasional segments on (seemingly) randomly chosen congressional districts around the country. Sounds hilarious, right? It's actually decently funny — about as funny as the rest of the show. Wednesday night's show highlighted Colorado's Second Congressional District! Basically, Boulder and lots of ski resorts and old mining towns. Stephen even interviewed Mark Udall, our esteemed representation in the House. Udall's actually pretty great, as far as politicians go. Anyway, I can't find a clip of it online anywhere, so you'll just have to trust me. Or go check your TiVo before it gets deleted for That 70s Show reruns.

Song of the week
"Soul Meets Body", Death Cab for Cutie.

Your little hoodrat friend, part 2

The Hold Steady made it to Littleton High School earlier this month (actually, the day before my last post, but this ain't no 24-hour news cycle here), and Westword had a pretty good write up. A highlight:

"We've had an incredible year," [front man Craig Finn] muses, "and this is the most insane day of it. I mean, from doing Conan O'Brien to being on the cover of the Village Voice, this is more exciting than any of that."

Read the whole story here. And help me figure out how I can do that.

Powder day?
Ski season is finally ramping up. Copper, Keystone, and Breck are now open; Winter Park opens Wednesday; Steamboat opens the following Wednesday. Dreaming of that first powder day of the year....

Five minutes for fighting and a game misconduct

So, I broke up my first fight today. It was fairly exciting, and definitely got my adrenaline up on a Friday morning, but I don't really care to repeat it again any time soon. On the other hand, it's a hell of a story.

First hour is my plan, which means hall duty for the first five minutes of it. I went out to the main hallway like every day, but today I saw social studies teacher Greg sprinting towards the stairs at the north end of the building. It's never a good sign to see a teacher sprinting.

I sprinted after him. Behind some lockers, I saw two prone bodies, joined at their heads, and a group of other kids gathered around watching and yelling. Girl fight. A lot like hockey, but with more grabbing and scratching and clawing. Greg got there first and tried to pull them apart, but they wouldn't let go. I was a couple strides behind, trying not to spill my coffee. When I caught up, I grabbed hold of one girl who had wriggled away from Greg. We both tried to separate them. "It's over. Let go." They wouldn't. We pulled a little stronger to separate them. I heard the sound of hair tearing.

Finally we got them apart, but they tried to get around us and back at each other. Each of us backed one of the girls toward lockers on either side of the hall and had to dance back and forth a bit to keep them from getting around us. And as if that weren't enough, once the girl I was restraining finally calmed down, she asked me if she could go to class. Ha! She was clearly less experienced at this than I was.

So Greg and I marched the two down to the office, with a group of girls in tow to give their statements to the administrators. Since I really didn't ever know what precipitated the altercation (I heard later someone called someone a whore, but most of what I heard at the time was in Spanish), I left as soon as I could.

And you know, I think that might be the last time I break up a girl fight. Boy fights are probably so much simpler. Two or three punches, someone gets dropped, and that's the end of that. Or maybe someone just needs to teach these girls how to throw a punch. Anyway, lesson of the day: girls fight dirty.